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As teens submit college applications and weigh different post-graduation paths, their parents face tough decisions, too. Do they:
- Help pay tuition, and sometimes it means dipping into retirement funds?
- Take out parent loans, as a growing number of individuals do?
- Encourage their kids to go to a dream college, regardless of cost?
When couples clash within the answers, it’s often because their values about money and education are in odds, says Megan Ford, a financial therapist at the University of Georgia and president of the Financial Therapy Association. Financial therapy, a comparatively new field, addresses financial, emotional and relational challenges.
Imagine a hypothetical student’s parents. One equates prestigious institutions with success and is bent on sending the child for an Ivy League school. Another believes a less-expensive state university provides an equally valuable education. Obviously, the child’s opinion matters, too.
To reconcile a quarrel, begin by understanding costs for your family. Then have honest conversations, search for mutual understanding and get in touch with experts if required.
Establish your college-cost baseline
First, estimate what college would cost your loved ones at different schools. Look up school net price calculators – nearly every college is required to get one – and compare the total amount you’d owe after scholarships and grants at various institutions.
You might be surprised. For instance, contrast Harvard University’s car or truck of $69,600 with its estimated net price of $9,600 for any Massachusetts group of five having a gross annual income of $100,000 and something undergraduate student. Going Crimson could be less expensive than attending a situation university in which the sticker price is gloomier but the financial aid package smaller, leading to bigger out-of-pocket costs.
Net price calculations are simply estimates, but they’re a great starting place for discussing whether parents will contribute and also the sacrifices they may desire to make to do this.
Hear each other out
When you are looking at financial disputes, relationship therapists recommend digging in to the reasons behind opinions before compromising or trying to persuade. People’s values about money and education in many cases are rooted in their past, Ford says.
She recommends asking them questions like, “What did education mean to your family growing up?” and “How have you invest in your college?”
Explore whether a stance represents a broader emotion, says Jennifer Dunkle, a financial and couples therapist in Fort Collins, Colorado. The parent lobbying for the pricey private school, for instance, may regret not attending his very own dream college. Another parent might have put himself or herself through college and want the kid to practice responsibility by doing exactly the same.
Find areas you align on
Strive to find areas, however small, that you simply agree on. Here’s a freebie: Kids should submit the Free Application for Federal Student Aid, known as the FAFSA, so they can be eligible for federal grants, work-study programs and, if necessary, federal student education loans.
As you seek agreement, Dunkle recommends an exercise derived from the research-based Gottman Approach to couples therapy. You each draw a sizable circle. Inside, write things you aren’t prepared to waver on – for instance, “We won’t dip into our retirement funds to pay for the kids’ college.” Outside the circle, write what you are willing to be flexible about, for example, “I taken care of college completely by myself, so my child should do the same.”
Then, compare notes. Seeing the problems on paper may illuminate a compromise.
Call an expert
If you’re still gridlocked, consider bringing in backup. Several sessions with a couples or financial therapist might help if you’re experiencing communication or underlying emotional issues, Ford says.
In addition, a certified financial planner can help you crunch numbers – for example, because when a long time can you need to delay retirement if you invest in your daughter’s $50,000-a-year private college? Experts generally recommend prioritizing your retirement savings over a child’s college costs; you’ve got a limited earning time left, while your son or daughter has longer to offset college debt.
Throughout the college-planning process, keep in mind that it’s natural for emotions to operate high when a kid leaves for school, Dunkle says.
“It’s a developmental change in the life span of the family,” she says. “It can be a hard transition for everybody.”